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How can you feel less guilty when you haven't finished your work?
Wake up at 6 am; Make a daily plan; Write grateful things every night; Prepare meals 2 times / week; Exercise 3 times / week; Write a self-development roadmap 2 times / month; Read books every month; Write 1 song / 2 months.
That is a list of things I plan to do outside of office hours. But life is not as planned, I don't always do all that.
There are days when I have no energy left after work, there are weeks when I just want to stay home to watch Netflix, there are months of frustration because I didn't do everything as planned. And at such times, I tormented myself for not being able to do all the things I had set out.
Have you ever been like me?
I value balance in my life, sometimes allowing me to enjoy watching TV or taking a bath.
At such times, a small voice resounded in his mind: “If you want to get the position you want, you have to pay with your labor. Life is short, don't waste your time on this worthless thing! ”. Gradually, I named the small voice itself "Mr. Jobs".
Mr. Jobs always urged me to reach my goal and pushed me forward whenever I wanted to delay. But he didn't know when to stop, always asking me to do more, that I had to value every moment of the day.
He made me feel more guilty and useless when I watched the cute cat clip on Facebook. To avoid hearing him complain, I had to make a list of things to do during the day, and now looking back, I don't see time for myself to rest.
Every time I relax, I always feel guilty for not being able to finish what I set out to do. The break time has never been complete with me. So I reviewed this guilt to control the small voice in my head.
#first. Why do we need to care about this feeling?
Firstly, prolonged feelings of guilt will negatively affect mental and physical health. When you see there is so much to do but do not have time to do it all, anxiety, impatience and excitement will appear in you.
And because I told myself I needed to do more, I always had to rush to get things done. If I didn't have the time to look back at myself and adjust my to-do list, I might end up in a state of nervous exhaustion.
Secondly, the feeling of guilt for not having done what I needed to do led me to follow my plans for the future. I always wondered, "What do I need to do next?" !
Instead of enjoying the present moment, I immersed myself in the new goal without having to enjoy with the results I've just created.
But now I have learned one thing: Life is made up of present moments, not a list of things to do in the future.
In the end, trying to reach a certain position and find the best way to accomplish everything will stop the creativity within each of us.
Unlike tasks, creativity does not follow a certain path to the destination. I remember the Zeigarnik effect saying that: when there is an uncompleted task, our source of awareness and attention will continue to be there until it is completed.
If there is an endless mentality of "What to do next", our awareness and attention will no longer have room for creativity.
#2. Why do we feel guilty when we have not completed our plan?
Do not worry ! That is not a psychological problem. All have its reasons. The feeling of guilt for not having done what is needed comes from both internal and external factors.
+ About external agents
Every day, the content of highly productive work hits our eyes, it is communicated everywhere from social networks, newspapers, books and books to the workplace. Just look at the world of "self-help" and we are full of instructions "How to work more with less time", "How to be more productive" ...
Clearly, the total amount of time that the ancients had also remained constant compared to the total amount of time we have now. But what is changing is the amount of topics we are interested in. The modern world is becoming more complex, technology is opening up endless things. As a result, we always feel that there is more and more work to be done.
When you see friends showing off your travel photos, setting up start-ups, having cool jobs, having a bear, getting married, having a baby bear, etc. We easily fall into the mood of "I don't do enough". The fear of being asked and being afraid of being left behind led to the guilt of "I didn't do enough to have everything".
When we fall into the trap of competition, we tell ourselves that we need to do more to get more, without really knowing what is "enough". Obviously, there is no "winning" in this race because there is always someone who does better than us in some way.
When we fall into the trap of competition, we tell ourselves we need to do more to get more without really knowing what is "enough".
Another message that's being hailed is "upholding busy people". The media supports us, "Get out of the company after 19:00 to enhance your self-worth, to achieve success."
But I think differently, busy people don't mean they're doing well. Busy means there's a lot to do - they're probably doing things that aren't so important or urgent right now.
If they are productive, they must be able to handle important and urgent tasks based on priority.
And today, we hear people telling a lot about their busy work and how late they stayed in the office.
Honestly, when I was a student, I also told people that I was racing against time and it made me feel like a "professional busy person" doing important things.
Back then, I easily got angry when someone talked about life balance, self-care habits, and spending time with family. In fact, I admire people who are able to look at themselves, recognize what is most important to them, and create a lifestyle that helps them balance in life.
+ External factors are only part of the reason. Internal factors also contribute to your guilt.
As I said, there are too many triggers outside that contribute to your busy life and guilt about your unfinished work. From a young age, we are reminded to study hard, finish homework before class, and be praised for achievement.
- Because we always pursue joy (Glad to receive compliments).
- And avoid shame (shame for being compared to losing to others).
- Receiving perspectives from society.
=> Those three factors make us associate our value with the things we get done.
Go deeper into this "guilt" feeling.
"Sin" comes when we feel the behavior is not in line with what you value. "Guilt" is not necessarily a negative feeling, it is a signaling sensation that helps us to act properly with more awareness.
For example, we feel guilty about eating too much sugar because we know it is bad for our health. To free yourself from sin and lessen your feelings Bất đồng nhận thức*, We will eat less sugar.
(* Disagreement perception: An uncomfortable feeling when there is no identity between ‘behavior’ and ‘cognitive’
To eliminate the feeling Cognitive disagreements, we can use a method of behavior modification called Tăng cường tiêu cực (NR- Negative Reinforcement).
NR Promote behavior by eliminating a negative outcome. For example, your daughter voluntarily studies (behavior) so you don't nag at her anymore (results).
Back to the guilt about what hasn't been done. When you value hard work (awareness) but you have done nothing after the past 3 days (behavior).
So you are experiencing feeling Bất đồng nhận thức. To reduce this uncomfortable feeling, you urge yourself to do more and be more productive. Simply put, you have behaviors Tăng cường tiêu cực - motivate yourself to work harder to reduce your guilt.
"Sin" comes when we feel the behavior is not in line with what we value. To alleviate this unpleasant feeling, we tend to motivate ourselves to act according to our perceptions
Another reason why we feel guilty is that our rejection is very vulnerable. When I was still a perfectionist before, no achievement could satisfy my ambition.
I used to have "nothing is enough" syndrome, the obsession with perfection and doing more leads to feelings of dissatisfaction.
I used to believe that relaxation and rest are a manifestation of weakness and laziness. I was also gradually addicted Serotonin* in my body every time I complete a mission.
(* Serotonin: It is a hormone secreted when people receive compliments, recognition, bring a sense of happiness, motivate us to constantly seek praise and recognition from others.)
As a result, instead of taking the time to enjoy and appreciate my accomplishments, I hurriedly focused and continued to fight to reach the next goal.
After all, I have learned one thing: being a perfectionist is the result of being compassionate to yourself.
I learn to be kinder to myself, allow myself to relax and relax the way I want. In return, I found silence to experience the flow of nature and reach my creative energy.
I like music, but it wasn't until last year that I discovered my interest in music production. Since then, I have composed and published 12 songs.
Doing the things I'm passionate about really frees my mind from worrying about what to do. When I find things to ease my worries about unfinished things, I can keep my mind calm whenever I want.
(To be continued ...)
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